Metamorphasis - more than this

I have come to realize that I am lost. More than that. I am wasting my time. I have spent the better part of my adult life in school - going in and out of this program and that, never to finish, but never leaving incomplete. I'm beyond formal education. At least the archaic version that we're stuck with. I know that I'm not alone in that sentiment, and it is truly not a statement of narcissism.

I started this blog to allow me a place to put my thoughts in the "real me" moments. This blog couldn't be successful as long as I was still comfortable in my "fake me" personae. At the beginning of this year I had the realization that I was entering a transition point - and I started talking to my closest of close friends about my need to merge these personae into just one person.

It has already begun to rapidly happen, but I feel an intense need to do it with as little influence from my current life as possible. I honestly feel like a snake, needing to shed a layer of life - and if I don't get rid of this restricting skin I'm going to suffocate. I'm going to come out of that skin a much better person, but that does not mean its not a terrifying process. I am certainly not going to do this alone. I know the handful of people who already know the inkling of my potential will always love me for me.

I've decided to finish out this semester and not to return in the fall for school. I might return for the spring of next year. But I need to evaluate some things. I am essentially going to become homeless. I'm getting rid of a large portion of my stuff, putting the rest in storage, and finally merge myself into one - and more importantly someone who can be strong enough to hold true when I do let my past life meet me once again.

My mom and I are barely speaking. She's always been the one to talk me out of my brash ideas. Honestly, I know now that it kept me from growing so much in my life. I haven't yet told her any of this, or my plans. I'm not sure when I will, or how. I'm done with her talking me out of living. I told Dad a few days ago. He is all for this and supportive, but that doesn't mean his influence will be fully welcomed.

I am resolving to use this blog as my outlet, after all that is how it was intended to be used. My goal is smaller and more frequent posts. Heck, I don't even like going back and reading this much stuff about me.

Toodles for now!