Metamorphasis - more than this

I have come to realize that I am lost. More than that. I am wasting my time. I have spent the better part of my adult life in school - going in and out of this program and that, never to finish, but never leaving incomplete. I'm beyond formal education. At least the archaic version that we're stuck with. I know that I'm not alone in that sentiment, and it is truly not a statement of narcissism.

I started this blog to allow me a place to put my thoughts in the "real me" moments. This blog couldn't be successful as long as I was still comfortable in my "fake me" personae. At the beginning of this year I had the realization that I was entering a transition point - and I started talking to my closest of close friends about my need to merge these personae into just one person.

It has already begun to rapidly happen, but I feel an intense need to do it with as little influence from my current life as possible. I honestly feel like a snake, needing to shed a layer of life - and if I don't get rid of this restricting skin I'm going to suffocate. I'm going to come out of that skin a much better person, but that does not mean its not a terrifying process. I am certainly not going to do this alone. I know the handful of people who already know the inkling of my potential will always love me for me.

I've decided to finish out this semester and not to return in the fall for school. I might return for the spring of next year. But I need to evaluate some things. I am essentially going to become homeless. I'm getting rid of a large portion of my stuff, putting the rest in storage, and finally merge myself into one - and more importantly someone who can be strong enough to hold true when I do let my past life meet me once again.

My mom and I are barely speaking. She's always been the one to talk me out of my brash ideas. Honestly, I know now that it kept me from growing so much in my life. I haven't yet told her any of this, or my plans. I'm not sure when I will, or how. I'm done with her talking me out of living. I told Dad a few days ago. He is all for this and supportive, but that doesn't mean his influence will be fully welcomed.

I am resolving to use this blog as my outlet, after all that is how it was intended to be used. My goal is smaller and more frequent posts. Heck, I don't even like going back and reading this much stuff about me.

Toodles for now!

Settling into my fishbowl

It always seems that the first post is the most awkward, as the words and the keyboard begin to learn the movements of the other. So I promise, I will try to keep this lively and free from mind-numbing paste. As I formulate my thoughts and wonder which direction I will go, there are so many place I could choose to start this, but I think it may be best to start at the end work my way backwards.

I have decided to start this blog because I need an outlet to be who I want to be, and unfortunately I am constantly reminded that most of the world is not ready for me; so I must be me anonymously, at least for now. So in an attempt to not disclose too much about myself, I will try to explain further.

I would gauge that I am 70% nerdy-inquisitive-geek girl and 30% activist, and 100% kinkster (it's kink-math, it doesn't need to make sense). The thing is, that 30% activist has gotten pretty fed up with some stuff and is pretty dead-set on saving the world, which means that internal kinkster is traditionally supposed to lay low. This master plan that I have somehow fallen into has brought me across the country to the east coast, and back to school; much of my time and classwork revolves around ethics, policy, and government.

This week was one of those weeks that had a bit of a theme, some examples of actual events:

1. It is explained to me that I am choosing a public life and I must know that anything I say on the internet (specifically mentioned facebook, twitter, and blog) may some day be used against me. It is further stated that I now live in a fishbowl, and my full life, especially what I consider most private, will be viewed and examined from all sides and all times.

2. I read Hobbes in class, where he explains that once you are chosen to lead you relinquish all right to a private life.

3. Sitting at a swanky lunch with my school's alum and I suddenly have one of those knowingly "you're a kinkster too" moments. After the lunch he pulls me aside and says, "the less people who know the real you, the further you will go."

It was here that I snapped. Honestly, it took me back to when I was 10, but perhaps that is a story better suited for another day. Its just important to know that with that one little statement I felt like a child again. I had been raised my whole life to wear masks to the world; my father would often say, "it is those who know you best that will bring you down." Long story short, it took me a long time to start being me around others, and really that kink part of me took decades off the process. Now I'm being told, again, to reel it in, and I have some serious problems with that.

I am, by nature, an extrovert. (Cool party trick - give me a drink - or two - and put me in the corner with some finger puppets*). I'm going to talk, and often a sexual innuendo or inappropriate aside is going to come out in mixed company, no matter how hard I try to tone it down. I'm going to keep wearing knee high leather boots because I'm fairly certain that they have magical powers that will make me win in the event of a spontaneous run-in with a lucha libre, oh and the boots are hot. And most importantly I don't see what the big deal is if I choose to do good by day and naughty by night.

So fine. I have been given a fishbowl to go live the rest of my days in. And somewhere between the faux-stone castle and the plastic flora you may find me bloody and bound, laying on the neon blue pebbles. Now I ask, who has the more concerning fetish, me or the people who like looking at naked girls in fishbowls?

So I welcome you to my private fishbowl, I'll try to keep it current but can't promise I'll keep it clean. It has been a long time since I've blogged on a regular basis, and it felt good to rant, I've forgotten that.


*finger puppets are optional. Other items may be used when finger puppets are not available.