Settling into my fishbowl

It always seems that the first post is the most awkward, as the words and the keyboard begin to learn the movements of the other. So I promise, I will try to keep this lively and free from mind-numbing paste. As I formulate my thoughts and wonder which direction I will go, there are so many place I could choose to start this, but I think it may be best to start at the end work my way backwards.

I have decided to start this blog because I need an outlet to be who I want to be, and unfortunately I am constantly reminded that most of the world is not ready for me; so I must be me anonymously, at least for now. So in an attempt to not disclose too much about myself, I will try to explain further.

I would gauge that I am 70% nerdy-inquisitive-geek girl and 30% activist, and 100% kinkster (it's kink-math, it doesn't need to make sense). The thing is, that 30% activist has gotten pretty fed up with some stuff and is pretty dead-set on saving the world, which means that internal kinkster is traditionally supposed to lay low. This master plan that I have somehow fallen into has brought me across the country to the east coast, and back to school; much of my time and classwork revolves around ethics, policy, and government.

This week was one of those weeks that had a bit of a theme, some examples of actual events:

1. It is explained to me that I am choosing a public life and I must know that anything I say on the internet (specifically mentioned facebook, twitter, and blog) may some day be used against me. It is further stated that I now live in a fishbowl, and my full life, especially what I consider most private, will be viewed and examined from all sides and all times.

2. I read Hobbes in class, where he explains that once you are chosen to lead you relinquish all right to a private life.

3. Sitting at a swanky lunch with my school's alum and I suddenly have one of those knowingly "you're a kinkster too" moments. After the lunch he pulls me aside and says, "the less people who know the real you, the further you will go."

It was here that I snapped. Honestly, it took me back to when I was 10, but perhaps that is a story better suited for another day. Its just important to know that with that one little statement I felt like a child again. I had been raised my whole life to wear masks to the world; my father would often say, "it is those who know you best that will bring you down." Long story short, it took me a long time to start being me around others, and really that kink part of me took decades off the process. Now I'm being told, again, to reel it in, and I have some serious problems with that.

I am, by nature, an extrovert. (Cool party trick - give me a drink - or two - and put me in the corner with some finger puppets*). I'm going to talk, and often a sexual innuendo or inappropriate aside is going to come out in mixed company, no matter how hard I try to tone it down. I'm going to keep wearing knee high leather boots because I'm fairly certain that they have magical powers that will make me win in the event of a spontaneous run-in with a lucha libre, oh and the boots are hot. And most importantly I don't see what the big deal is if I choose to do good by day and naughty by night.

So fine. I have been given a fishbowl to go live the rest of my days in. And somewhere between the faux-stone castle and the plastic flora you may find me bloody and bound, laying on the neon blue pebbles. Now I ask, who has the more concerning fetish, me or the people who like looking at naked girls in fishbowls?

So I welcome you to my private fishbowl, I'll try to keep it current but can't promise I'll keep it clean. It has been a long time since I've blogged on a regular basis, and it felt good to rant, I've forgotten that.


*finger puppets are optional. Other items may be used when finger puppets are not available.